My Wise Old Grandmother - Zoey the Cool Cat, page 6

Pet rules

To be posted VERY LOW on the refrigerator
door, nose height.

Dear Dogs and Cats:

The dishes with the paw print are yours and
contain your food. The other dishes are mine and
contain my food. Please note that placing a paw
print in the middle of my plate and food does not
make it your plate and food, nor do I find that the
least bit aesthetically pleasing.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and
is not a race track. Beating me to the bottom is not
the object. Tripping me doesn’t help because I fall
faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king-sized bed.
I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will
continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your
comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up into a
ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep
stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also
know that sticking tails straight out and having
tongues hanging out the other end to maximize
space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the
bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and
manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to
claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get
your paw under the edge and try to pull the door
open. I must exit through the same door I entered.
Also, I have been using the bathroom for years,
your attendance is not required.

The proper order is kiss me first, then go smell the
other dog or cat’s butt. I cannot stress this
enough!

To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the
following message on our front door:

To all non-pet owners who visit and complain
about our pets:

1. They live here. You don’t.

2. If you don’t want their hair on your clothes, stay
off the furniture. (That’s why they call it
“fur”niture.)

3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most
people.

4. To you, it’s an animal. To me, he/she is an
adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks
on all fours and doesn’t speak clearly.

Remember: Dogs and cats are better than kids
because they:

1. Don’t mind eating off the floor

2. Don’t ask for money all the time

3. Are easier to train

4. Normally come when called

5. Never ask to drive the car

6. Don’t hang out with drug-using friends

7. Don’t smoke or drink

8. Don’t have to buy the latest fashions

9. Don’t want to wear your clothes

10. Don’t need a million dollars for college, and

11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children

Thanks to Linas Dapkus, a Chicago area home
inspector, for passing this on to me.